I'm tired.
I've been tired for quite a while now.
I feel called out. poked at. proded in underhanded remarks. I try to be honest, because it's easier. Because it's less mental effort. because sustaining the deceit is more work than any fall out from the true could be. but this mindset is already a losing battle in my mind. because the cost benifit analysis is already part of the equastion.
sometimes it's easier to to allow a missunderstanding.
some times a lie is less work. sometimes the trueth is not worth explainging, or feels that way. and in those cases, beause my basis is one of effort, I will allow things to go unsaid. I will see a misunderstanding that I caused and not bother with correcting it.
and because I am this way I project this way of thinking to those around me. Of course they aren't being honest, it's easier to allow me to persist in my [ignorance]
It doesn't matter if this is truely how these interactions are. I treat them as if they are genuinely honest, they treat me likewise. things proceed smoothly.
for the most part.
but this persistant niggling in the back of my mind.
it's draining.
...
I'm in a new hole. I have been for nearly a year now. There have been some ups and [moving] but things have become stable. more or less.
until recently my personal space has been only used for sleeping. a futon on the floor, and two shelving units one half way built the other completed. the complete one small and on the long wall, filled to bursting with boxes, books, art supplies. most things on the shelf so packed in they are hard to get to. the other shelf, much larger, a foot or so shy of the 2 meter and change shorter wall. The larger shelf I had intended since coming to this place to be a work space, but I had wanted a decoupage resin top for the lowest rack. This would be high enough up that i could sit at the shelf and use it as a desk. but I hadn't found time to do it. something was always in the way of doing it. first it was that I needed to get the prints I wanted to use. so eventually I had a magazine printed of the art I've created. once that came I didn't have the glue. and once I had the glue, I had begun working and didn't want to do it on a work day, and then on the weekends I felt I wanted to do it it was raining, and I had to do it outside, because the fumes from the epoxy resin would cause problems in an enclosed space.
Finally tho, I got around to it. I wouldn't say it turned out perfect but it did turn out. I think it looks good, and more importantly it's a nice hard flat surface I can use as a desktop, unlike the mdf board which is slightly too soft and textured. Finishing the desk surface meant needing to finish building the shelf. So I did that, and doing that meant I had much more desk space available. So I could reorganize all of my art stuff. I wanted to keep this shelf mostly for the art supplies. My inks, papers, brushes, pens, pencils, paints, needles, threads, and my thinkpad. For lighting on the bottom shelf I use two A5 light boards which I attached to the underside of the shelf above the lowest one. these can be turned off or on completely with a powered USB hub, or individually controlled individually through their touch controls. They produce a very diffuse and bright clean white light.
Since completeing this, it's been about a week or two. Time is hard to keep track of. But it's a bit harder to use this setup than I had expected. I'm not used to sitting on the floor. I do have a folding floor chair, which does help but because the chair doesn't go past vertical without releasing and falling all the way down, I need to set it to as vertical as it goes and then put a pillow behind my back to add a bit more support. It works but not as well as I'd like. More importantly my legs grow numb over time. I suspect this would become less of a problem as I become accustomed to using it. But maybe I am past the point where my body can learn to adapt to such changes? I don't want to believe there is such a thing however.
I feel (perhaps without any basis) that the human body is able to continue to adapt and learn until it dies. But the minds of people are generally lazy and don't push against the bodies desire to do what is easy and convinient, because of that there is a trend to push the body to do less and less until it can do nothing at all. I wouldn't say im any different, I am generally quite lazy, and rarely will push against my inclination to not do certian things. I don't stretch myself generally. either in the literal nor in the metaphorical senses.
But I do find myself in this new situation. A new hole. And I must fill it.