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I have not been wanting to sleep lately again. or rather, the lack of a temporal tether recently has my sleep schedule adrift. This isn't terribly problematic of itself. There are few reasons I need to be awake and active at a particular time, and when that does happen I am able to make sure my sleep doesn't overlap. No the real issue is the vivid nature of my dreams and their content. and how that effects the amount of sleep I am able to get. waking up after an hour of sleep drenched in sweat, with the memory of some other world vivid in my mind, showing me in plain detail my every fault. and the voices which berate me in my waking life so much louder before and after sleep picking at my insecurities, pointing out the multiplexed nature of my waking existance. telling me, you need to stay in bed until there is a noise outside, otherwise I'll be amoung the weak ones who got up quick. Telling me, I need to get up now, or I'll be one of the lazy ones who stayed down. telling me there is someone waiting outside my door, and that no one cares about me, everyone who has known me only has bitter and terrible memories of me, if they think about me at all. and frankly it's just gotten old. It's not a matter of believing what they are saying or not. It's not a matter of if it's true or not. It's simply the repetition of the same old tropes and it's gotten old. I become ambivalant to the kinds of attacks. But my body still won't let me sleep again. So I get up. So I do something else. But then I'm tired. I don't feel the energy to engage in the things I really want to. My body hurts from the running I apparently do while I'm asleep in my bed, and my brain is foggy, empty. When I try to deliberately focus, I am met by strong resistance. I can't even play games much now. I don't have the focus to be interested in a narrative, keep track of goals, meaningfully engage with systems. I don't have the motivation to persue acheivments, unlocks. And the cinematic worlds and characters are simply uninsired, but that's a different problem. There are many things I have planned to do. and I go through the day saying, why not do that? and the answer my body gives. I'm too tired. I'm unfocused. I'd rather just sit here and do nothing. I've been watching nightmind again recently. I stopped some time ago. I think I watched from when they started the EverymanHYBRID series, and watched until the petscop video or so? I know I watched the one on "this house has people in it" and the DAD series. I can't remember if that's before or after petscop. But roughly in that ball park. I think the reason I stopped was because I had this feeling at the time. Feeding the dark thoughts, the evil things in the corners of the human psyche, that just gives them more strength. I still believe this now. But the content is so easy to watch. it's brown noise. It's simple to consume. Doesn't require a single neuron. It might be better than watching the "true crime" police interview shit I had been watching previous. But frankly that's roughly the same thing. it's flacid content devoid of substance. It is a documentation of something that might have had some depth to it, but it has lost it's edge in translation, and become a tired pathetic excuse. That's the wavelength I'm surfing now, so that's probably why it's so easy to watch now. But I feel that it is feeding the dark parts of my psyche. I hear the voices becomeing malevelant again. toxic, cruel. and that's just building. Today on the menu was the 10 tapes series. 10t must have been an interesting ride to participate in. Jeffiot does seem to be rather good at video-crafty. of course I have seen a few of his other videos. everyone has seen the jazzskull one at least. The otherworldly entity in 10t is called X in the series. But that's not it's name. It doesn't ever claim to have one. it is clearly a force of evil. of hate. And it persists, propgates, expands influence, by having people dwell on it. The more they engage with playing it's "game" the more it draws from them. This feels rather apt..